The art of raising a child
The art of raising a childThe Art of Raising a Child
Many parents believe that a child comes into this world as a "tabula rasa", a blank slate. They think it is their task to mold the child in order to make him or her into a decent human being. If it wasn't for them controlling their child's behavior, likes, dislikes, appetite and sleeping pattern, they fear, the kid would turn into an anti-social, sleep-deprived, and under-nourished beast.
When little Andy wants to play with his toys by himself, a strong voice of reason needs to inform him that a good boy shares with Cousin Kurt. And, if he doesn't do so voluntarily, the toy is taken away from him. This teaches him that sharing is good. When Baby Tina refuses to eat her spinach, she is not to leave the dinner table until her plate is squeaky clean. She now understands that iron is vital for her body. When the little ones are running and screaming in the hallway, they are told to "walk slowly and play quietly". Suddenly, we have created well-mannered, soft-spoken, and gracefully striding creatures.
Have we really? Or are we creating the opposite of what we intended?
The most important rules of parenting are often unknown, or overlooked:
1. Respect Your Child. Treat your child the way you want to be treated. The fact that Tommy's body is smaller doesn't make him less of a person. He has feelings, concerns, and opinions. Value, don't invalidate them. No child is ever too small to deserve your respect.
2. Grant Your Child the Right to Own. Once you have given Tammy the doll, it is hers--irrevocably! Let her toss it, drown it, sever its head. Do not force her to share it. How would you like to have your toy taken away from you? When your company provides you with that fully equipped BMW, does this oblige you to let Neighbor Bob drive it every Sunday? You will find that by not interfering with your child's right to ownership, she will take much better care of her belongings. Destructive behavior is generally a protest against such interference.
3. Validate Your Child's Contributions. A child wants nothing more than being an integral part of your family unit. He wants to contribute something of value. Acknowledge those contributions early on, and you will never have to scream to get him to sweep the driveway later. The small child's contribution could be a dance performance, a song, a painting, or a smile. Thank him. Let him hold the hose when you wash the car. The child will offer his services. Accept them. If you ever want to see a mess, look at a rich kid who never had to work for anything. His arrogance and misery are the result of a failed attempt to contribute something of value.
4. Let Your Child Experience the World Freely. It is part of the child's developmental process to run, scream, laugh, grab, and pull. It is your duty to make sure that the environment is safe for the child to do so. Remove sharp corners and access to knives, scissors etc. If Billy Bob bangs his head into the edge of your glass table, don't fault him for running too fast. You should have installed rubber protectors as a precaution. A healthy child will run and jump and climb. Try to stop him and you take away a piece of his life. You also sow the seed for rebellion.
5. Let Your Child Eat as She Desires. She won't starve herself to death. Each one of us has a strong urge to survive. We will eat when our bodies tell us to. Forcing a child to finish the plate or eat her vegetables, will, with most certainty, constitute the precursor to a serious eating disorder. Similarly, a child also knows when it is time to use the bathroom.
6. Lead by Example. No rule, morale, or stipulation can replace the example set by parents. If Daddy doesn't treat Mommy with respect, why should Danny? If Mommy has fits of anger, it must be a good thing. If she smacks Danny in the face at any given opportunity, Danny's friends will soon have sore cheeks. Nothing is as contagious as irrationality. Don't infect your kids.
None of these points implies that you let the child do whatever he wants. No, you don't allow him to hit or kick or curse at you. If your CD collection is sacred to you, tell him to stay away from it. Demand the same respect that you are giving him. Set policies that are to be abided by, just as in every group. Discipline if warranted. The trick is to make the consequences of each violation known, thereby creating a safe and predictable environment. Random punishment can destroy the inherent sense of justice in a child.
The child arrives on this planet as a social being. Validate and reinforce. Do not try to mold her as you will break her. She already has more values than you think. And, most importantly: Respect Your Child!