Step parenting
Step-parentingAn Adult Step-Child’s Understanding of Stepparenting
I was a stepchild, I can tell you from first hand experience, that “step” relationships can be some of the most trying we face as social animals. Often times, children enter stepfamilies with a history of loss and change which is beyond their control. They may have endured a troubled, possible abusive marriage and or the painful death of a parent. In either case the family structure has been changed dramatically. In many cases, the will wonder if they are somehow to blame for events which have changed the family dynamic. Some children feel that they are unworthy of their parent’s love.
Many children assume that they are responsible for the absence of their parent. Many children believe that their misbehavior may have been the reason. The child’s subsequent lack of feeling worthy, can cause children to behave or misbehave, in different ways. They may withdraw from activities with friends and family, they may even think things like, "How can anyone love me, my own parent didn't even love me?" Children may misbehave because they are angry with themselves. One method of helping the child deal with his or her feeling of guilt is, for the adults (parents) to visit with the children right away. Discuss the changes and how they may affect everyday life, and provide them with non-judgmental information about what is happening in a straightforward way. Do not underestimate your child’s ability to understand that changes are occurring. Common sense dictates, that you don't tell them all of the messy details, but a clear explanation that is age appropriate, of the situation which includes the assurance, that the child did nothing wrong, you could possible and your Dad/Mom and I will always love you. No matter where we are or what we are doing.
Guilt can also consume a child if they feel disloyal to one biological parent. A child who likes or enjoys the company of their stepparent feels disloyal to their biological parent this is not an uncommon occurrence. The accompanying guilt may be a contributing factor in a child's behavior toward a stepparent and can cause the child to then push the stepparent away or remove themselves from situations that may otherwise be enjoyable.
Adults often believe that "children are young and resilient so they'll bounce back." Children are swept into the turbulence of divorce or death and the drastic changes that follow, and into the dating and remarriage of their parents. They have no control over any of these events that are having a major effect upon their lives and they feel helpless and angry.
Although children are more flexible than adults are, their adjustment to a new situation depends on how they are helped through this potentially traumatic time. For the stepparent to have a healthy relationship with their stepchild, they must recognize and understand the child's feelings and what motivates the child’s behavior.
Ordinarily, children have little or no choice in the matter of a divorce, nor do they have a choice in the events that follow. This felling of powerlessness is likely to interfere with their confidence and sense of security. Children, like adults, need to feel they have choice and control in their lives. The lack of these two important factors, choice and control, can lead to problems in a multitude of different areas from behavior to emotional disorders.
To help children feel as though they have some personal power, it might help to give them as many choices as possible for different aspects of their lives. Giving children choices like selecting
what they want to eat for breakfast, what they want to wear, or how to spend their allowance may help the children see that they do in fact have some control, which in-turn may help eliminate or lessen their feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Children also need to be included in discussions about new rules, family activities, etc. Even though adults may have the final say, children's needs should be heard and considered. Empower the child by showing them that their opinion has value.
Children develop a deep sense of commitment to their family, especially to their parents, and we teach them from birth to love and respect their family. For all intensive purposes, A child's identity comes from his or her mother and father, nearly always creating a very strong attachment to both parents. After a divorce this can be difficult and confusing for children. They often feel they have to take the side of one parent or the other, choosing where to place their loyalty and affection.
When a stepfamily is formed, the situation becomes even more complicated. Children may believe their acceptance of a new stepparent will mean they are betraying the biological parent. They may be fearful that expressing pleasure in the new home or time spent with a stepparent will be seen as disloyal to the biological parent. Rejection of a stepparent may have nothing to do with the personal characteristics of that person, but may reflect a loyalty struggle going on within the child’s mind.
. Children and adults need to accept the fact that children can show affection to more than two parental adults. Adults should avoid competing for a child's affection and encourage a child to enjoy a positive relationship with a stepparent. Children need to be reassured that having a warm relationship with a stepparent will not endanger the relationship with the biological parent. In addition, a wise and compassionate stepparent will try to understand the child's struggle and reach out to help. The child's loyalty conflicts can then diminish, and family relationships can improve.
Children are often angry about the losses they have experienced because they had no input about decisions that were made, I know this was the case in my situation. They are living within a new set of relationships because of their parents' choices, not theirs. A child may be experiencing feelings of frustration, sadness, fear, and jealousy as well as the confusion created by all these feelings, which can result in anger.
Children may be angry with the non-custodial parent if he or she doesn’t visit, or at the custodial parent if they had to move away from friends or the non-custodial parent. They may be angry at the stepparent because they were starting to adjust to having their parent all to themselves and now they have to share the parent.
Adults need to acknowledge and assist children, help them understand their feelings of anger. Children need to be reassured that feeling angry is normal. Parental direction is needed to help children learn to differentiate between angry feelings, and angry behavior. Based on my own experience, reading and discussions with some therapists it takes from three to five years for the new family members to work through the obstacles and issues they are likely to face in developing good, positive feelings. It is important for those involved, to bring down these before loving relationships can be created.
Children, particularly young children, believe their families will always be the one constant in their lives. When divorce or death alters their traditional family unit, they are dramatically let down. This loss could potentially damage their trust in adults, including their own parents.
Children may be afraid that all relationships will end in failure and that they may lose another family. This fear may make it difficult for the child to form a bond with his or her new family members. Children may worry that their new stepparent may not like them and may reject them. Some children may also worry that their own parent will divorce them. Then when a remarriage takes place and the parent shares his or her love and attention with new stepfamily members, a child's fear of abandonment can become even more intense.
Parents and stepparents need to assure children of their love and show continued caring. Spend child-focused time with them. Tell them you love a few extra times a day, extra hugs and kisses don’t hurt either, I they’re not to old for that kind of “mushy stuff”, we all know how older kids can be about physical affection. Naturally, it will take time for children to find their place in the new family, feel secure, and realize there is enough love to go around.
Children have a strong desire to belong. Their security, or lack of it, depends upon their feeling of acceptance and having a place within the family. From infancy, a child works to establish his or her place in the home. The changes brought about by their parent's divorce or death upsets that security.
Children form views, opinions and behaviors that reflect their family's outlook. They absorb their family's values, beliefs, and convictions and try to fit within the family pattern. When a stepfamily is formed, many of the old views, values and rules are dismissed and family members must adjust to a new set of ideas and rules. Children cannot simply wipe away the years of personal development and immediately become different people just because they are now stepchildren in a new family.
Children in stepfamilies may even be experiencing a shift in the birth order. In biological families, children have learned how to find their place and how to react. If new stepsiblings are now part of the family, children may find their family "position" has changed, which can cause confusion about roles. Adults who understand the changes and confusion children face will be better able to ease the transition into a stepfamily. It is critical that all stepfamily members understand how things were done in the first families and then discuss the expectations of the new family. Don't expect too much change too quickly and be willing to compromise. Be sure each child finds a way to be special and significant in the family.
The key to dealing with these issues is understanding. Stepfamilies are structurally and emotionally different from first families. Adjusting to all these changes is difficult for children. They cannot enjoy the new family until they have had a chance to feel hurt, sadness and angr about the losses and changes they have experienced. Children of any age are confused if it is not clear to them what is going on around them.
Parents and stepparents need to understand what motivates children's behavior. A child's misbehavior must be confronted and corrective steps should be taken. However, parents and stepparents need to understand that negative behavior is not always the result of hatred or personal differences. It may be caused by confusion over the situation in which the children find themselves.
Adults need to let children know they understand how upsetting it is to have to deal with so many changes. They need to acknowledge and accept their children's feelings. Try to view the situation through the eyes of the child. Be conscious of the fact that the child has suffered a loss in his or her life and is now being forced to accept a significantly different lifestyle. Talk with them about the changes that have taken place and those that may still occur. Children can adjust to changes if they understand what is happening and what they can count on.
In conclusion, I would like to reiterate my opening sentence, “Step” relationships can be some of the most trying we face as social animals. It has taken me almost twenty years to accumulate the interpersonal relationship skills necessary to understand the particular difficulties that arise in these situations. One thing that I realized throughout the writing of this paper was that, there are very few step relationship participants that have access to the relational tools. Until recently, I was one of these people; I was forced to learn these skills the hard way. Years of fighting, on more than one occasion these fights became physical, and they always resulted in more pain than either of us felt to begin with. Step relationships do not have to exist and develop this way any more. There are so many ways of dealing with the issues associated with step relationships, there are workshops, family counseling centers, therapists, mediators just to name a few. During the period of time that my step relationships was struggling the most, there was not as much access to the resources that people need in order to work through these issues, now there is. All you need is the desire to make your step relationship successful and you have taken the first step towards the solutions.