Effects of Divorce on Children
Effects of Divorce on ChildrenEffects of Divorce on Children
A child of any age can be hurt by a divorce. Divorce can cause feelings of guilt, sadness, uncertainty, chagrin, and insecurity. The effects of the divorce vary by the age group of the children at the time of the divorce. There are five groups. The parents may feel better and be happier after divorcing but they need to make the child feel secure throughout the entire ordeal.
The first group are "infants" (DeBord, 1997). This group cannot grasp the concept of friction but can detect changes in their parents behaviors. The infant may react in a variety of ways. The infant may seem uneasy. They may not eat or sleep properly or they might show signs of digestive problems. There are many things that parents can do to help (DeBord, 1997).
Infants are not stupid. They can sense bad feelings between people and will act on those observations. It is best to not argue or fight around the infant. Parents should also be aware to allow the child to have a desired object that will provide them with security. Parents should also not be afraid to ask for help from "family and friends" (DeBord, 1997). When the child naps, it is best for the parent to also nap along with the child to keep from getting too stressed as a single parent (DeBord, 1997).
One of the most important ways to help children, even an infant, cope with divorce is to continue with constant habits. This will provide a secure and anticipated environment, which will lower the stress on the infant. Infants need to know what is expected of them (Duncan, 1996)
"Toddlers" (DeBord, 1997) are the second group. They know that they do not live with both parents but they cannot grasp the reason why. Toddlers that are going through this may experience a worsened terrible two's syndrome. This can include difficulty sleeping and "growing up". "Growing up" means to move away from infantile behaviors and to become more independent. The toddler might be afraid that if the custodial parent leaves, even to go to work, that he/she may never come back. The child may become attached to the custodial parent and cry excessively when he/she leaves, even for a moment. The toddler might cause problems in day care or other facilities such as throwing tantrums or biting (DeBord, 1997).
There are many tactics that a parent might try to control these behaviors. One of the most important techniques to remember is to stay with a routine. Both parents should set aside unrushed time to spend with the toddler to cuddle or comfort. A few infantile behaviors may be acceptable such a delayed potty training or often being carried but each parent must set boundaries and should try to agree on them. A parent might also find out from the child if he/she would like to spend time with a different family member some of the time (DeBord, 1997).
The next group are "preschoolers" (DeBord, 1997). These children cannot comprehend what divorce means but they know that they do not see one parent as often as the other. One of the biggest effects on this age group are nightmares. This age group often feels guilty because he/she might think that they were the reason for one parent leaving. A preschooler may worry about what will happen next and/or become angry at the custodial parent. The child may blame the custodial parent for the other parent not being there (DeBord, 1997).
Parents of preschoolers might be able to avoid or change these behaviors by reinforcing in the children that it is not their fault. Allow the children to discuss their fears about what will happen in the future (Duncan, 1996). The custodial parent should encourage contact with the non-custodial parent. The child should receive special time with each parent that it reserved on a normal basis for the child to look forward to (DeBord, 1997).
Another group is "early elementary" (DeBord, 1997). This age of child starts to know what a divorce is. The child also realizes that his/her parents will never be together again. An early elementary child will continue to think that possibly someday, his/her parents will get back together. A child of this age may have difficulty sleeping and may have similar fears of that of a preschooler (DeBord, 1997).
Parents of children of this age should allow child to seek professional help if signs of depression appear. As with younger children, set aside special time to be with the child. Allow the child to express sadness in his/her own way even if it includes crying. Do not ever tell a child to not cry. The child should be allowed some privacy (DeBord, 1997).
The final group are "preteens and adolescents" (DeBord, 1997). This age group completely understands about what a divorce is and knows that it will not change back but does not want to accept it. The child may feel that if he/she acts perfect, the parents will get back together. The child might feel that the "adult problems" such as money are their problems and that they should have to worry also. Feeling as though they need to grow up too soon is another common problem (DeBord, 1997).
There are many things that parents of adolescents could try to avoid these effects. Reinforce in the child that "adult problems" should only be worried about by the adults.
The child might be asked to participate in therapy alone or with one or both parents (DeBord, 1997). The children should never be asked to choose between parents and should be given as equal time as possible of visitation. Children should be constantly reminded that they are loved by both parents (Duncan, 1996).
No matter what age group a child is in when their parents divorce, they will suffer some effects from it. It is sometimes important to seek a professional to help a child deal with divorce. Children need to be reminded that nothing is their fault and that they are still loved the same by both parents (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry).
I have had a personal experience in being a child affected by divorce. I agree with Karen B. DeBord in her descriptions of the different age groups of divorce. I also feel that sometimes these can overlap. For example, my parents divorced when I was five. I exhibit some of the characteristics of both preschoolers and early elementary. Some of these include nightmares, a feeling of responsibility, hopes that parents will get back together, experience eating and sleeping problems, and worries about the future, just to name a few. I have personally had to seek professional help to fully understand that none of my parents' divorce is my fault. I have finally come to understand that the situation is better off this way.
The effects of divorce on children are detrimental no matter what the age of the child. Some of these effects can be avoided if the divorce is handled properly. Sometimes professional help may be needed to reverse the negative effects.